I bet a lot of you people right now are thinking "why the gay title", well the simplest answer to that is, I can do what ever the hell I want, but that isn't the most explanatory answer. No, the most explanatory one would be that, over this last month, I have had, yet another revelation. Actually on second thought, a revelation might not be the best word... more of... A wish to far, if you will. "what wish is that?" you may say. Well before I even begin to tell you I want you to take another good long look at the title, then read the below.
I never want to grow up... thats right, I hate it, its terrible. If you don't believe me, you can see for yourself just how much worse everything gets when you get older, simply by examining this chart
P.S. I'm an honest person so I've lain it all out including shower time and Midnight computer time (you know what I'm talking about)
As you can see the Fun Level decreased exponentially from the time I was ten till now, what was once at a solid 75 is now at 20! and this is because of rising responsibility and depression. Now dew to the increase in depression (and just things that happen at that time) it has let to greatly increased shower time, which in turn led to the steady increase of "Midnight Computer time". All this time wasted on things like that has led to a decrease in originality which I have been forcing to regain these last years (notice the rise). Anyway, all this to say, getting older is not fun and I can prove it. I have made here a list of all the fun things i can't do anymore dew to my age (at least can't do them without looking like a complete idiot).
*Ahem*
I want to be able to run around the house in my batman underwear again. I want to wake up a 6 A.M. on a Saturday so I can watch cartoons till 5 P.M. I want to be able to watch the news or a political debate without ever once thinking "that is so true". I want to run around in my back yard swing a stick and ACTUALLY believe I am the prophesied warrior from earth sent to liberate the magical people of god knows where from an evil dictator. I want to believer in God AND Final Fantasy. I want to drive to town ever month to buy all the latest Comic books (never actually got to do that, but I'm sure downloading them off Limewire just isn't the same). I want to be able to tell my friends that my Paladin does 40 - 75 AOE Damage plus an additional 10 Damage per second with level 3 Immolation, and sound like a complete bad ass. I want to remember why my fingers mean so much to me (I have forgotten why I hold them in such high regards, all I know is I do. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I am a video game playing Pianist?). I want to make a 10 to 20 minute rock remix of "the song that never ends" in a style mix of Muse and Ray Charles and play it at the next big social gathering... Ok so that has nothing to do with being a kid but I want to do it all the same. I want to drink Pine Sol just so I can have people correct me. I want to be naive enough to fill the dishwasher with dish soap causing the whole kitchen to flood with bubbles. Then I want to put the bubbles on my face and hide in the fireplace saying "Ho ho ho" when any boring adult without a sense of humor or a penis large enough to keep him happy walked by. I want to dye my hair blue. I want to run around TOWN in my batman underwear (I said it twice because its sounding really fun right about now).
But most of all....
most of all....
I don't want to forced to make a decision I never wanted to make. I don't want to have it always in the back of my mind, distracting me from anything and everything, nagging me, saying "you need to decide by the end of the year, START DECIDING". I don't want people to try and give me their own dreams and their own lives and their own goals, and try to make me believe that they are mine. I don't want people to question my faith for things in life that I'M not sure about. I want people to see that no matter what I choose, I can make it the right choice. I want people to stop being so God damned self righteous, and stop trying to force everything they chose in their lives on me. I don't want to believe that if I don't choose option A that I am a bad person. But I just... I don't want to disappoint anyone who's opinions I respect, but I know that no matter what I choose... I will...
It's a civil war, and I'm right in the middle, just like....... Kansas... or Spider-man... or something.
I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about, if you do, please just... don't try and force me into anything. Have enough faith in me that I will make the right choice, WHATEVER that may be. Even if its not YOUR choice, just trust that its the right one. And just know that, if I screw up my life its MY fault, not yours. Open the doors people, but don't push me through.
In other news, I thought I'd Lighten the mood (seeing as how my "thoughts" aren't funny if your thinking to hard) by letting everyone know that is a holiday. Thats right its "Steven Colbert: I am America (and so can you)" Day. So lets all celebrate by drinking beer, skipping any school or jobs, and listen to some great Phil Collins tracks... err, on second thought, scratch that last one, and on that note....
Thought of the Day: Phil Collins always reminds me of Tarzan and suicide. I think it goes back to that time I tried to kill my self when I realized I was had to hear more then two of his songs while watching that movie.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I feel Like Peter Pan (without the gay tights)
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13 comments:
I tell you what, once you get through the teenage years life gets a whole lot better. You don't realize it till you're through it, and then you're all "Woah, thank god that's over!"
Secondly, you are what... FIFTEEN!?! Lighten up on yourself...if you make the "wrong" choice you have plenty of time to go back and make the "right" one later! You have time to spare! No matter what you do you will eventually end up making a wrong choice somewhere and learning from it. That's what life is all about.
I know it sucks being one of the younger siblings because you have everyone trying to pass on their life lessons to you, but the truth of the matter ends up being that we mostly have to learn our own life lessons for ourselves. (Experience is the best teacher.) So take all the well meaning advice, take what you want from it, and then take a chance! Get used to well meaning advice, you'll be getting it for the rest of your life because it's easier to live someone else's life than to live your own.
You'll do fine Ben...you've got a good head on your shoulders.
actually I'm 16, but I wont hod that against you :D
but the point is, it not the choice, its how the choice will affect everyone else, I'm screwed either way. Because no matter what I chose someone is going to think less, or be "disappointed" in me. And its just so frustrating.
I don't think anyone is going to think less of you or be disappointed. If they are, that's something they will have to deal with. You can't live your life by the opinions of others...that will never work out for you!
One of my favorite quotes/poems goes like this:
"I am an idea conceived in the minds of the Universe And interpreted in the minds of the individuals I meet. Within myself I am constant Yet, I am as ever changing As the people who interpret me I can control my actions But I can not control their thoughts Therefore, I must do what I think right and let others - Think what they will. -- Javan --"
haha, Loxy I just gotta say, fifteen is close to sixteen which is close to seventeen and seventeen is close to eighteen ect. ect. and that means that he's almost THIRTY!!! Also when you've grown up believing that the end time is just around the corner it seems like every year is gonna be the last year you can have fun with your life. So you'll see there is waaayyy more pressure than you think there is. I gotta agree with Ben on this whole thing.
On a side note.... I REALLY miss seeing the kitchen full of bubbles.
Dude...when I was a teenager, I never understodd why grown-ups said that they'd never want to go through that again. It's through no fault of your own that teenagers are in a physical and psychologicall state of limbo suspended between childhod and adulthood, not to mention the hormone overload that can be emotionally paralyzing.
With that being said, the flip side of that is you can be both. That why we think teenagers are so childish. You can still goof off and be like a kid. Why do you think that the game-players largest demographic is YOU? Teenage males.
Enjoy the limited responsibility that you have, because it'll only get much bigger as you grow up. sorry about thelack of fun time but it'll become less to so make the most of it.
And if you must make one decision, let it be to not make one. Just live. You're incapable of properly making decisions anyways...it's science...the cerebral cortex which is the part of the brain responsible for reson and decision making isn't fully developed until age 20. So you have fact now to back you up.
I'm almost twice your age and am really only now learning what life is all about. There were time in my life that I look back on and wish people would have just laid off off me to "grow up" or "mature." I think gowing up is one of those things that happens organicly. Can some one be force to grow an inch taller in a week, I think it's the same for a person's mental and spiritual sides as well.
As far as what and who your choices affect you probably should to the right thing. But, if you dissapoint some one that's their problem. You're sixteen and if your decisons aren't physically hurting yourself or any one else your going to do just fine.
Sorry, I don't like to tell people what they should do, butI think I was trying to tell you to not pay too much attention to people that are trying to tell you what you should do.
By the way:
Comics and Graphic Novels have become recognized a an adult form of media.
I think I speak along with loxy and spike when I say that you shouldn't worry about disappointing anyone.
It's not gonna disappoint me or Rosie, or Jason, or Justin, or Mom or Dad if you don't Join the Family.
And I don't think it's gonna disappoint any of the other guys if you DO join.
I don't know if that's what you were referring to by this post but whether it was or not it's the analogy I will use.
You have to realize, the only way any of us will be disappointed in you is if you end up making some seriously bad decisions, and judging by the road your on now, and just by your character I know your not gonna be making any of those decisions (I'm talking about the kind that will land you behind bars).
No one will be disappointed in you, but even if you sincerly think that they will be, just go ahead and do what you think is best anyway. You don't need to worry about it right now.
Your still a good year or two ahead of what I was at when I was 16, I'm just barely making it by, you'll end up doing alot better than me no matter what you do. So don't worry about it. Relax, enjoy life, have fun.
Ok, well, now that you said it all I might as well speak up on why. The fact is it IS about the family or not the family, and honestly I DO feel somewhat pressured to join. Now I'm not saying I hate the family, quite the contrary, I think its great. But at the same time I think that I am, in NO WAY compatible with (among a few other things) the "law of love". it is the exact opposite of what I have believed my whole life. it just seems wrong. And I know that its "optional" but the fact is its still accepted. I'll try to explain in the way I see it.
Everyone has things they believe in, be it morals, religion, or whatever. imagine (for those of you who aren't) that you are a Christian and you have a room mate who is a Satanist. I know you think that is very different but I am trying to make a point of opposites that you can imagine. Now this guy doesn't always practice satanic rituals and such, but he still believes in it. Could you live with someone like that?
Please don't anyone take this the wrong way and think that I am "turning my back on god" or anything like that, I'm not, I just think that there are other (just as effective ways) of serving god then being in the family.
Anyway, I smell plenty of controversy, advice (some good some annoying and pointless) and even a few lectures coming up, so I'm going to stop here. your comments are welcome, but I really don't want anyone telling me that I should do any certain thing, because all thats going to do is further my point of feeling pushed.
Sorry to anyone i may of offended with this point, I honestly didn't mean to, but theres no way of avoiding it really.
Two things:
1. I think I spent the first 20 years of my life thinking that I may not be on earth in ten more years, so I know what you're talking about. Looking back, I wish I would have thought bigger than that, I feel like I wasted so much time by never thinking big enough. (Or maybe that was just because my cerebral cortex wasn't fully developed. :P )
2. Rejecting doctrine is not synonymous with "Turning your back on God". When you fully realize this little truth, an entire world of possibility opens for you to see God like you'd never seen It before.
On a side, I think you deserve props for being as honest with yourself as you've been. (And I say this no matter what decision you choose to go. Jesse is right, if you choose to join, I will totally support your decision.) You're obviously not making an impulsive move and I admire that - especially in someone as young as yourself.
(I'm sorry I got your age wrong...I suppose I'm subconsciously denying my own age by imagining you are fifteen, LOL.)
Well I hope you didn't feel pressured by ME to join. Maybe Mom and Dad are pressuring you, I don't know. But I was trying to make it clear while you were here, that the reason I wanted you to come was so that you could develop an opinion. See what it's like on the inside and make a decision based on that.
It was always my intention that you make your own decision on it and I don't think I even once pressured you about joining. In fact, if anything I discouraged it if you didn't really want to or if you only wanted to join because of your friends that are in the family.
As for the "LOL" i'm not gonna say much on that subject except that you really have to read it before you pass judgement on it, as honestly, you don't really know the first thing about it.
I hope that dosn't offend you but it's true. All you really know about it is what others have told you, but you really have to read the letters on it (there are 12 of them, as you can see it is a very complicated topic) before you can pass judgement on them.
But if that's the way you feel about them that's alright too. Make the decision you think is right. Live your life the way you want to live it, serve the Lord in the way you choose.
I do appreciate you inviting me, and I would not make a choice without weighing both sides before. And on the side of the law of love, I really don't see how knowing more could change my mind. As long as people are sharing partners in any way, for any reason, it just doesn't seem right to me. But as I said before, I don't have anything against people who believe in it, or even practice it. I just don't think that I could live with people who would support it. I have nothing against the people, I just think there would be too many differences for me to function properly in any home. However, I am not closed to any argument that you may have about the "LOL"
Well being on the other side of the world, I guess I'm out of the loop with some things. Haha. I'm not going to overload you with opinions or pressuring, I'll just do what Loxy said and share some of my life's lessons and then you can pick n' choose your favorites. Hehe.
As far as making a decision between the Family or not, I would say definitely don't worry about others' opinions. A decision like that rests entirely between you and God and it's not something that you should let other people's opinions or desires affect. I hope you know that your family will never be "disappointed" either way (at least I hope not). I think what really concerns everyone most is that you make a choice that is best for you, one that you're really happy and challenged with. No one wants to see you in a situation where you're not doing what you really have the desire to do. I think we all feel the same in that we just want each other to have made decisions that they have conviction about and that they're happy with. And like Jesse said, that you're not hurting yourself or constantly depressed or anything.
On the topic of the LOL, I'm not going to get all into it because it is a huge subject, but I think the best thing I could tell you about it is to just not worry about it! When reading through the entire series when I was 16, I came across some points that actually made me cry and really disturbed me. But you know, the Lord told me to just put them on the shelf and not try to "force feed" myself. He said that as long as I didn't develop a negative attitude toward it, that I didn't necessarily have to embrace it either. The LOL (the sexual aspect) is not something that you are required to live or even embrace, you're just asked to please not voice negativity about it, unless you're actually seeking counsel/advice. Anyway, I've done a lot of study on the LOL recently through the XD training course and I can honestly say, I understand it totally different now and see things in a completely different light. 4 years ago I was ready to chuck it out the door, but now, I'm totally fine with it. I'm not saying that that's what will happen to you, I guess I'm just saying that you can't always judge how you'll like something by your initial reaction to it. If it worries you, just toss it up on the shelf and come back to it when you feel you're ready to. You don't have to force yourself to do anything along those lines, and no one should coerce you or pressure you either.
One last thing. One of the greatest pieces of advice I've gotten was from Peter Amsterdam in person when he said "Don't ever make a decision when you're angry. If you're totally frustrated and feel like tossing everything out the window, wait a day or two until you make your decision." I guess that would apply to you in the sense of not making your decision if you feel pressured or like you have to make it right away. Also don't make a sudden hasty decision. Give it time; great things take time. When I made my decision, it wasn't something that I felt pressured to do, it just happened! One day I picked up a GN that was lying around and started reading it and that was it. Something clicked and I knew what I wanted to do with my life.
All that to say, whether you choose to be a missionary, a pianist, a pro game tester, a mime or what have you, your family will back up whatever decision that you make with conviction and determination. If we know that it's what you really want, we'll support it. Don't worry about the opinions of man, it totally sucks! You'll never please everyone and it's no fun to have to step on eggshells around people. Do what you feel you need to do and have a blast doing it!
There, that's my words of wisdom. I'm sure you'll make an excellent choice, just don't feel pressured, as Loxy said, you're only 16. Really, your life is just taking off!
Clown, please be a kid while you still can...Loxy and I didn't always have that chance. You don't need to make adult decions on life and on belief and doctrine right now in your life. From experience, it can handicap you later on in life and leave you empty-handed.
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