Ok, its getting annoying now.

I know I can't spell, I don’t care. So don’t judge my education by my spelling, or I will judge yours by your weak point.


Thought of the day: Never sneeze while urinating, your bellybutton will hurt like nothing you have ever felt before.

Deep thoughts, by Jack Handy.

I was surfing the web a few days ago when I found these and I simply had to put them on my blog

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

"Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill."

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

This is just a few of them, to see the rest of these SNL quotes check out this site.

I Got Time.

I have all the time in the world. Who wouldn't out here. I have time to post something new every day, the only problem is, who wants to read about me doing nothing. I found blogging not to be as hard as everyone says, with inspiration hitting me in the strangest places it has been quite easy. But now that I have all the time in the world to do anything that can fit into a 35 foot long trailer I have been doing a lot more thinking causing me not to have ideas hit as much (its strange I know but you try it some times, when you have nothing on your mind good ideas come faster). For instance. About 2 weeks ago I wouldn't of cared that I started this sentence with a preposition, I wouldn't of been able to write my own binary code, and I wouldn't of been able to complete Einstein's theory of everything. Maybe this whole thinking thing is good, but it is wreaking havoc of my reputation, I need to keep up the idea that my IQ is only 76 by keeping my higher brain functions suppressed with mind numbing video games. I don’t want people to know that my IQ is really above average, and that I qualify to take a mensa test. Nor do I want people to know that I know that 8 and 0 are the only numbers that finish where they started. I guess what I am trying to say is I NEED SOMETHING TO DO!


Thought of the day: Your sense of smell is overrated, 4 senses is all you really need.

Help!

I need help. I don’t know how to put sound files on my blog. 50% of my readers could have a PHD in computers if they really wanted, so I'm asking for their help. Don’t worry it will be worth it, I have 2 that I want to put on, one is a recording of me pinching my throat, (yeah it sounds gross, but I sound just like Ray Romano or Woody Allen when I do it) and the other is one of me being a pianist (get you mind out of the gutter). So if anyone knows how to do this please tell me.



Thought of the day: there are dogs that climb trees, and cats that fetch, birds that swim, and fish that fly. What’s up with that?

Oh the joys of Spell Check!

Where oh where would I be without you.

Singing In the Shower

A few weeks ago (while in Vegas) I went to the showers as I do every day to take my daily shower. While in the shower I for some reason felt a compelling urge to sing as loud as I could. In the middle of my song a voice came out from inside the bathroom (it was a public bathroom) saying "Is there another guy in there." I quickly stopped and wondered why I had not heard someone enter the rather small bathroom. I sheepishly answered saying "no...... I was singing." I guess it is a lesson. Dont sing in a public shower filled with old people who will assume anything about these "youngsters".

Changes

So many changes,

Everyone is becoming pregnant,

My parents complement me on my pian....ism Every time I play but never seem to complent my sister on her guitar witch she has been playing for a year *whispering I think I'm the favorite ever since I cleaned the kitchen and wasn't asked to.

States have faces to me now and Arizona looks like a egotistical oil tycoon.

People now say I no longer speak unless it is to say something completely pointless.

Dreams have become the highlight of the day.

My sister got married, quite to my surprise I can still remember when she was making up stupid dances with me, don't look like you don't know what I'm talking about, the rubber legs. Oh I wish I had it on tape, that's quality blackmail material if I ever saw any.

The stupid time changes every time I take a step to the left.

My sister is listening to fruity music while whenever I listen to a good headbanger my parents tell me to turn it off.

My taste buds haven't changed since I started liking pickles, sliced mind you, the long ones creep me out, witch is probally why I have never liked hot dogs.

Benny Boy is still a populay nickname that I cant seem to shake off. Even when send a comeback at them by addressing them by their "real" names (you know who you are haha)

My parents have recently discovered that metal knives in mayonnaise is bad for you (what else is new)

We now buy orange juice most every day

I sleep with my arms under my covers.

And Lee (Apollo) was recently promoted to commander of the Pegasus (my fellow nerds and geeks are quite shocked).

What else can change now.

Letting loose my toung

I CAN TAKE IT NO LONGER... I MUST TELL SOMEONE... I... HATE... ARIZONA. Every second I spend in this desolate wasteland eats away at me. I cant stand Flea markets or peddling our stupid product at them. And most of all I HATE not having any say in what the hell happens to my life. Over the last few months I have grown more and more annoyed at what has happened, being the optimist that I am I tried to think of the positive, but over time the simple annoyance turned to depression, depression turned into anger, and anger turned into loathsome of this... this hell I am forced to go through every day. Now some off you may say "what the H*ll is he bi**hing about he just went to las vegas for 2 weeks" well that may be one of the ONLY things that merely kept me sane, that at logging over 100!! Hours on a chrismas present my brother gave me.
Try to think of it from my point of view for a second, driving all across the desert (not on a rainy day mind you witch is even more depressing out here) doing nothing but listening to music and realizing that I have less real friends then I do FINGERS. Right this moment I feel like running out into the street at screaming out the longest stream of profanities that this world has ever seen. Or offering a complete stranger to live my life for a week just so I can see they're face and hear them say that not even Satin would give this cruel fate to someone. Granted I do have some friends "But" hey I can never get on line and the time here is getting screwed up every time we go down the road meaning I can't call, we're to poor to call when its not free, we're to poor to do anything that's not free, for instance, EVERYTHING we did in las vegas pretty much we got from timesharing... Its sad I know to spend your vacation going to about maybe 30 hours of timeshares. The one encouraging thought out here is that in about 1 year we "MAY" be going back to Texas, or we could go cursing around the country in our P.O.S. RV in witch case I will be forced to join the military so I can get the hell away from here.
No one will ever know how depressing and desolate it is out here till you come out here. Things you take for granted you come to miss extremely like, clouds, grass... I wish I could just dive into fresh cut grass and kiss the ground and thank god that I survived Arizona. I was thinking a about something a few days ago, I was thinking that I wasn't afraid of anything really. I was afraid of the dark once upon a time, until I locked myself in a dark room for 3 hours, I was scared of snakes until I started watching the animal planet, but now I realize there is something I am PETRIFIED of.. Spending the rest of my life here... In Arizona... Growing old and eventually dieing... With nothing... nothing but $#!tty fleamarkets, and the crappy RV I was harshly forced to call home. Excuse the cursing but I am offically PISSED OFF so much so I was considering joining the circus as a viable option so I can get away (I can already do the judgleing, I got it on tape). Anyway Im' going to go find a way to dupe, trick, cheat, or even con my parents into going back to Huston.

Thought of the day: I know the name of 80% of the EU characters in starwars and I know the line up for Sci fi Friday... If you call that a "Real" life I don't know what is, ask "Blog god" he can relate, he's just lucky he jumped ship before he got stuck in hell.

Viva Las Vegas, "Thank you verry much"

Well I'm still here in Beautiful Las Vegas, But unfortunately I am leaving tomorrow so i will recap everything that happened here so far. First of all The picture above is a picture from the "top of the world" or the "Stratosphere". Ok "Day one on the Strip" we started at the Tropicana (or something like that) and slowly worked our way down, but before we even got to the end of the building we got caught by our first Timeshare sales man. After talking for a little bit he said he could give us 4 tickets to see a magic show and 4 all you can eat buffets for only 40 bucks. Once we finished talking to him we walked past the MGM Grand checked out there gift shop and continued down the Strip. As soon as we got past the Grand we got hit by another Timeshare man who smooth talked his way into making us cancel our agreement with the other guys for 4 tickets to the "V" Variety show and 4 all you can eat buffets at the "Excalibur". After we had that out of the way we passed by a place called "Gameworks" which I convinced my parents into going into by telling them we could go to the M&M shop right next to it, once inside i saw a giant rock which i just had to climb.Keep in mind this is only half the rock, the other half is below the second floor. The sign on the floor said that the rock was 75 feet tall and i climbed it in about 2 and a half minutes so that's a new record for rock climbing for me. After that we just walked down the Strip, saw the water show at the Bellagio, ate at caesars palace, and of course we got hit by ANOTHER time share guy who promised us $100, and of course dad got to talking about the Superbowl, and the touchdown by "Ben Watchamhamburger" (the guys know what I'm talking about) and how it was a bad call, and how he never made it over the line, and all that, but anyway I'm getting carried away. After all that we simply went back. Ok so I'm not real clear on which day was which, so the next inter active thing we did was spend the day at the "Adventure Dome" at the "Circus Circus " Hotel and Casino while mom and dad... you guessed it went on a timeshare tour, anyway the "Adventure Dome was pretty fun except they didn't have many rides and none of them had lines making it easy to go on all of them 3 times in about 2 hours. The next time we went out we went to "New York New York" (One thing i don't get is why they have so many redundant names) and went on the roller coaster which was also pretty fun (12 bucks though). A few days after that we strolled the strip again starting at the bottom and working our way up, first we went to "TI" (or treasure island) and saw the show there which defined the reason why the Sirens were so seductive (Skanks). We waited an hour for a 5 minute volcano show, saw the water show at the "Bellagio" again, saw a hula show where the dancer almost convinced me to go up on stage to hula with her, and saw the Lions at the MGM Grand, then went back, where on the way we were "car horn-ish-ly" assaulted by drunks (stupid morons would not shut up). The very next day went to the "Stratosphere" where we ate yet another buffet and went to the very top of the 140 story building (all except dad, he was to chicken to go up) where I got some good pictures.Heres a photo of me on top of Vegas.

This is a picture of "Las Vegas Blv." and if you look very closely just to the right of the greenish building (MGM Grand) you can see this little beam of light, that is the light from the top of the Luxor (the pyramid) and can be seen anywhere in vegas.Heres a picture of the actual tower itself, yes i know its fuzzy but its the only one we have.
The next day we woke up early (10 AM is early when you are on vacation) so we could go to Hoover dam where of course i was having a bad hair day.There isn't much to say about the dam except that the woman's bathroom was in Arizona HA, Arizona sucks. (no offence to the Arizonians but it has quickly become the state I despise the most) Anyway I didn't get that many pictures of the dam because I was at the helm of the Video camera so what you see is what I've got. Heres the dam itself. This is a picture of one of the statues next to the dam, supposedly rubbing their feet gives good luck (it was a disappointment when they told me i couldn't lick their feet). Heres one looking down the dam.They had a really cool Zodiac thing there (don't ask me why) so i quickly snapped a shot of Leo my favorite, (I am very biased... bised, byest, how do you spell that?) and made a dash for the gift shop.
After the dam we went back to the "stratosphere" to go to a show that we got free by going to a timeshare, it was basically a bunch of impersonators, Elvis, Britney Spears, Tim Magraw (who's song i still have stuck in my head now, oh how i hate country), Christina Agulara, And Michael Jakson who was believe it or not, the best out of all of them, and I'm not just saying that because he is only a few shades lighter then me. He was the only one to break character, And I don't blame him, if I was impersonating a pedofile i would be tempted to also. After that we went to Fremont street where we saw the cool light show, a pianist who signed a CD we bought because i am trying to be a pianist, and a guy who was pretending to be a robot, and was really quite good, if I was decade younger i would think he was a moving manikin. All in all it was a pretty fun vacation and i am dreading having to go back to Arizona where we will just sit in the car for 4 to 5 hours listening to music and wearing sunglasses and doing nothing in particular like the picture below.Anyway i hope you enjoyed reading about all the good stuff that happened to me ( I wouldn't though) and now for a new segment of my blog, my THOUGHT OF THE DAY

I have yet to see rain west of the continental divide.

Sin City

Ok, well, I'm here in Las Vegas, Nevada and for once in a long time, I'm having fun, and being here, I have learned a few things:

1- you can live off timeshares

2- you have no trouble finding porn (I saw 7 booths in 6 hours)

3- Vegas is "not" a family based city

Other then that, I have been having a good time doing the few things here made for minors. The things I have done so far are...

1. climbed a 75 ft rock

2. went on the "New York New York" roller coaster

3. saw the V show (not short for what you are thinking of, mind you, it was a family oriented show) whitch featured Russians doing one-handed hand stands on other Russian's bald head, among other things.

4. bought a pair of dice with my name on it

5. saw the water show at the "Bellagio"

6. spent about 7 bucks in the arcaide

7. ate a midaevil buffet at "Excalibur"

8. went on a stupid 3 hour timeshare tour (for which they gave us $100.00 for Amy and I)

Here are the things in the magazine left to do...

1. the adventure dome at the circus circus with 24 rides

2. a bunch a magic shows

3. humm "Chippendales"... uhh, I'm not into dudes

4. "Treasure Island"

5. "Erocktica", now that looks good (lol )it says exciting topless action and... aww damnit you have to be 18 or older.

6. "Stratosphere", were gonna do a timeshare to get tickets to a show up there, some kinda immitation show of famous people.

The question that has been on my mind this whole time is "where can i get my fake ID"
alright, well, I'm being pressed for time, so I'll get back to you when I have the time.